The focus of my blog
I’ve been contemplating, for years it seems, the focus of my blog. Finally, I’ve come to the conclusion that I just enjoy writing. My focus… drumroll please… is to write about what brings me joy, what’s helped me heal, and whatever else comes to mind. This is my blog, so any boundaries are my own; and I really dislike the word niche. So here we are. My blog is a time capsule for me, to reflect on later; and also a place to connect, share, and educate.
Self-care while navigating grief
I’ve been in this self-care space for a handful years now; and I’ll say this: I am still not an expert.
I just lost my mom (one month ago, today) and I’m still feeling very raw and fragile. My self-care has been ON-POINT since my mom passed. I give myself continual permission to feel my feelings, to take all the baths & naps, to receive regular Reiki sessions to assist with my healing. (I’ve also been eating my feelings, since we’re putting it all out there.) At my last Reiki session, my Reiki practitioner pointed out that I’m giving myself the “okay” for all of this self-care because my mom died; but I need to remember that I deserve this all the time. Deserve what, you ask? To feel any feeling that comes through. To listen to my body and give her what she needs, in any given moment. I don’t need a reason for self-care. I exist, therefore I deserve this TLC for myself.
This is what grief + self-care has looked like for me, so far:
- Time – I rescheduled workshops and cancelled + moved yoga classes & Reiki sessions. I didn’t have the physical or energetic energy to show up; and I knew I couldn’t show up for other people when I was struggling, so I didn’t.
- Feelings – I cry when I need to; but I don’t try to force anything to come through. I find myself crying at odd times, or when I didn’t realize I was even thinking about my mom. I’ve just been rolling with it. When the tears come, they’re not pushed away. I have also found myself, many times, in an “unfeeling” state – not sad, not happy, not even numb. I am just present in my physical body with no emotions present. I don’t hate it. Maybe it’s a state of allowance?
- My body – Lots of aches + pains have (re)surfaced, and I got a decent head cold soon after my mom passed. I tend to get sick when something “big” happens in my life, so this was not a surprise. The pinched nerve in my neck, though – that little bitch was a surprise. Every cough and nose-blow pulled directly on the pinched area. No. I felt as though my body was giving me reasons to SLOW DOWN because my normal path is to just push through, keep going, and plan on feeling the feelings later. Way later. (Maybe never.) So, the cold & the pinched nerve came in clutch, tbh.
- Memories – For as long as I can remember – okay, that’s funny – I haven’t had a great recall of childhood memories. It might have something to do with trauma; but my memories just haven’t been there. Since my mom passed, so many memories, of and with her, have come back to the surface. It’s been so good, and so healing, for me.
- Relationships – My relationships with my daughters have been on my mind for years now, wanting to rebuild & heal with each of them. Now, there is an urgency that I didn’t possess before. The “life is short” feeling is coming in hot and I look forward to more conversations and hugs and connecting with my girls.
- Photos – I’ve looked through more photos this past month than the last 10 years combined, I’m sure of it. I went through photos to find a photo for my mom’s obituary. Then I went through all of the photos we found when we went through her apartment. So many photos I haven’t ever seen, and so many memories brought back to life. This has been so therapeutic and healing for me. Seeing earlier photos of my mom reminds me of times she went through in her life; and I am reminded that we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got.
- Regrets – So many things I meant to say… and now I’ll never have the chance to say them. Do I believe I can still talk to her and she’ll hear & understand? Yes, I do; but it just hits differently.
- Eating – I’ve been hungry, like really hungry. And while I’ve always made light of the fact that I eat my feelings, this doesn’t feel like that. I’m truly hungry. I think grief takes a lot of energy – the feelings, the memories, the tears… and I’m feeding my body a little extra right now. No guilt.
I really fucking miss my mom.
